I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
