then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
