I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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