I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
