My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
