Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
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I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
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i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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