Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
