What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
