Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
tell me about the eggs
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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