Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
