i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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