i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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