You're my little dorito
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
