I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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