He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize