in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't deserve a penis
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
