i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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