The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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