What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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