Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
