Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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