Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
