I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
