I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
