ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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