i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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