the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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