I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
