Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
pray to the hookup gods
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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