Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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