I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
