hell yes lets make some ravioli
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
