It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
