I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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