That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We need to get me chipped asap
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
