I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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