Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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