Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
zippers are such a cool invention
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
