its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
