matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
