he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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