This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
