I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
