nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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