I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
