i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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