Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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