I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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