Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
