don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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