so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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