could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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