dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
