i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
