Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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