Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
