I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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