I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
