this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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