I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
