this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she smelled like a LAN party
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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