I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
