does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
