I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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